Manic Winter - Chapter VII

Chapter VII- Getting To Know The Unit

While I was sleeping, I was half-expecting to wake up in my bed. I was even actually waiting for my cat to jump on my bed and wake me up. While I was waiting though, I suddenly heard a knock at the door.

“Jerry?” said what I thought was a woman’s voice.

I didn’t respond.

“Jerry, it’s time for breakfast.”

Ugh. I would have much rather stayed in bed than wander out into that nursery. I tried telling myself that this was just like staying in a hotel. What a joke that was. I doubt I could have even convinced myself of that. I mean, where do I even start? At least you get a goddamn television or two in your room in a hotel. I was already a little sick and tired of my blank room.

“Jerry. You have to wake up now.”

He opened the door a little ways and a man with a very thin face and a swirl of dark hair popped his head in. His face was very well defined with high cheek bones and all that. I thought it was a woman when he was talking to me through the door. It bewildered me to see that it was a man.

“If you would just wait one second….” I wasn’t trying to be an ass; I seriously just wanted one more second to lie in bed.

“Jerry I don’t know if they’ve explained to you how things work here, but when you’re staying here you can’t sleep in past 9:00. It’s already 9:12 and….”

“Alright, already. I’m getting up.”

I dragged myself out of bed and went out to meet this guy. To be honest I actually felt pretty good. I think that goddamn red light hypnotized me or something because ordinarily I don’t sleep well. Usually I’m up all night thinking about some phone conversation I had or some girl that looked at me funny that day. I wouldn’t say I get too pissed when someone gives me a funny look or something, but boy does it make me think. You have to wonder; are they giving you a funny look because they secretly like you and they don’t want you to know, or are they giving you a funny look because they actually hate you and they don’t care who knows it? I’ve actually realized that if you look deeply enough into anything, you can always find what you’re looking for. If you think someone hates you, and they smile and shake your hand, you can easily conclude that they are trying to get on your good side to manipulate you. Or if you think someone likes you, well they could flip you off and you would think to yourself, “What a clever sarcastic chap or lady! How joyfully obscene!”. Things like that can be interpreted in an infinite number of ways.

“Good morning, John.” I said. I looked at his name tag. That always catches people off guard.

“Good morning, Jerry. Your breakfast is over there at the table. After you finish eating I’m supposed to show you around the place.”

“Swell.” Swell is a Helluva word. I didn’t mean it, though. I didn’t mean it one bit.

I walked over and sat down at this empty table with a tray on it. There were four kids sitting at the table over to my left. I couldn’t help but take a look at the rest of the kids in this place. There was this one girl who had a feeding tube attached to her. That really made me feel awful. I hate seeing sick people. I mean, I wouldn’t mind seeing sick people if I was a doctor or something. It’s not even that I don’t like looking at them, I just don’t like the feeling I get when I realize I can’t help them. You see, if I was really sick, I’d want to talk to people that can help me. It makes me really nervous to talk to sick people because I doubt they would even want to talk to me. To be honest, it makes me feel like a worthless person; like I’m just going to sit around and watch them get sicker and sicker. Somebody who’s a really good person would walk up to a sick person and just ask them, “What’s your affliction?” Then they would say “Tuberculosis” (or something). Then they would just go and start studying tuberculosis right up until they found a cure. If I was a really good person, that’s what I would do. But I’m still just too shy to talk to sick people.

There were three other kids sitting at that round table. There was one boy who had red hair like me. The only difference was his was cut really short. In all honesty, I thought it looked a lot better than mine. You could tell he was really sad, his face was just twisted into this look of deep sadness. Then there was this other kid who had really long brown hair. His hair was such an interesting shade of brown that it almost looked gray. Those two boys looked like they would be about my age or maybe a little younger. And there was this short black kid who looked about the same age as the girl with the feeding tube. He was fidgeting in his seat quite a bit. I know I’m really some kind of bum for doing this, but I passed judgment on this group of kids right off the bat. I just assumed they were all crazy. Well, they weren’t really doing anything crazy. They were just quietly eating their breakfast. But they were in a mental hospital after all.

Right before I checked out my breakfast I took a little glance out the window. You wouldn’t believe how much snow there was on the ground. I mean, there had to be at least two feet of the stuff piled up outside. It was cold in that place too. I noticed that they had towels pressed up against the edges of the windows to keep the cold air out. What a crumby place this was, when they have to use towels to keep the cold air out and all. I then turned my attention to my breakfast, a breakfast I wasn’t too sure about.

I lifted up the thing covering my tray and found what reminded me of a meal I would get at school. There were some rubbery scrambled eggs and soggy bacon, as well as some toast, a plastic cereal container, and two cartons of milk. I thought that was rather polite of them; giving me two cartons of milk and all. If you give someone cereal it’s only polite to give them an extra carton of milk. Maybe this place wouldn’t be so bad after all, I thought. I mean, in the real world if you get cereal, they’ll probably charge you another goddamn dollar for an extra carton of milk. But then I suddenly realized that they had confiscated all my money, so maybe that was going toward these extra cartons of milk. Sneaky bastards, I thought.

I ate all my food anyway. It actually wasn’t too bad. I guess they couldn’t give you a five star meal or anything. In a way, going to this place was kind of like punishment. At least it felt like punishment to me anyway. Well, they couldn’t make it enjoyable here, I thought. That would just motivate people to go crazy and get stuck here. They had to at least motivate you to re-establish your sanity. Right when I finished eating I slid my tray to the edge of the table. John noticed that I was done eating and he came and sat by me.

“Now Jerry, it’s a Saturday, so there is no school today. But you still do have a community meeting. You have to fill out this sheet of paper….”

He slid over this half piece of paper to me. I scoped it out, but didn’t really read anything.

“Now just write your name at the top here….”

He pointed to a blank line at the top of the piece of paper with “name” written next to it. You’d think this guy would just mind his own business for a second and let me do it myself. That’s the thing with this place. As soon as you’re here and they label you crazy, everyone thinks that they have to hold your goddamn hand every single second. I thought I might as well tell him that I didn’t need his help. However, I thought I would be polite about it. Because, well, in all honesty I was feeling depressed as Hell already, and I really didn’t feel like shooting the shit with anyone too much really. This probably sounds very anti-social, but I just wanted to be left alone. I wouldn’t wallow or anything though; I would just be by my stupid self.

“I think I can figure it out on my own, thank you.”

I thought that was polite enough.

“Okay, well, just ask if you need any help.”

John got up and walked away. I’m sure this sounds judgmental, but I started to think this guy was some sort of flit. I mean, he just behaved in a flitty way; the way he talked and the way he pointed at the piece of paper. It’s not like it really matters, don’t get me wrong. But sometimes, you just want to know if they are or not. The only reason you want to know is because you are wondering about it. I didn’t want to ask him though, I just wanted to mind my own business. Anyway, I stopped thinking about him and focused on my community meeting assignment.

It said at the top “What are your goals for today?” There were probably about a million sarcastic things I could have written. I thought about writing “Go more crazy” or “Get laid” or “Jump off cliffs”. I just wasn’t in the mood though. I was very depressed and didn’t even feel like being sarcastic at all. So instead of making some smart remarks I sat and I really thought about what my goals were for that day. Well, the only thing I could really think of was the fact that I wanted to leave. So I wrote down, “Leave if at all possible.” That sounds like I was being a smart ass, but I wasn’t. I was being dead serious. I wanted to leave. Underneath that it said “How will you accomplish these goal(s)?” I didn’t have a clue what to write here. I didn’t even know how you went about getting out of a place like this. I thought about writing “escape” but I had yet to even scope the place out. I couldn’t think of anything to write, so I just wrote “unknown”. After that it said, “Are there any coping skills that will be useful for dealing with today?” That killed me. I had no idea what a coping skill was. And honestly I didn’t imagine that they were really all that necessary. I mean, I’ve gotten through my whole life without analyzing my coping skills or anything like that. I just wrote “unknown” after that too. That was all that was written on this sheet of paper. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do with it after that.

“Hey John,” I said.

He walked over very casually.

“I’m done with the thing.”

“Okay, good job Jerry! I’ll take it for now and you’ll get it back at the end of the day. But anyway, now that you’re done with breakfast I’m supposed to give you a tour of the place and explain how things work around here.”

“Alrighty, John.” I couldn’t help it. It bothered me the way he said “good job”. He was acting as if I was some sort of young child who can’t behave. I didn’t need to use coping skills to get through my day. I could just lie in my room the whole time and ignore everything else and just cope away. I’ll just collapse on my bed and stare at the ceiling, totally coping. I mean, that’s what I usually do when I’m at home and I’m depressed or upset. I don’t know if that’s an effective coping skill or not, but it works for me.

“Just follow me to the entrance here.”

I followed him, just as he told me to. He walked me to the two big double-doors that I came in through last night. Boy, how I wished I could just leave right then or use my psychic powers to blow up the door or something.

“Okay, now this is the entrance. On Monday you’ll go through here to the classroom for Circle School.”

“What’s Circle School?” I asked. I really wanted to know.

“Well, we contact your teachers at your ordinary school and they will mail us work for you to do. If we don’t have any work ready for you, then you can just spend your time reading or working on packets.”

“Packets, huh. What kind of packets?”

“They just ask you questions about your ordinary life and behavior, and about how you would approach certain situations.”

“What about this behavior, John?” I slapped him on the back lightly, just to push his buttons.

“Excuse me, Jerry. We have a strict no-touching policy here on the Unit, now would you….”

“Alright, alright.” I was only kidding. Maybe if he didn’t think he didn’t act like a goddamn professional around me he wouldn’t be so bad, this John. But don’t get me wrong, although he seemed a little flitty, he didn’t seem like such a bad guy. He was actually quite the character, to be honest. To me he seemed really insecure, or maybe it was just his voice that made me think that. But really, I think his problem was, he felt insecure about his teeny weeny voice and he needed to act like he was very professional and all just to cover it up.

“Now all of this area here from the doors to the edge of the office is Zone One. To the left are all rooms. To the right we have our kitchen. Patients aren’t allowed in the kitchen.”

“What if I’m starvin’ for a midnight snack? Can I go in then?”

“Patients aren’t allowed to eat after nine at night.”

“I guess that’s not so bad, but still. But what if I’m really hungry?”

“If you eat all your meals, you won’t be hungry. Besides, you get a snack at nine, so that should hold you over.”

“Whatever you say.”

“Now next to the kitchen is the T.V. room. The T.V. room is a special privilege. You have to be on good behavior to be allowed in there.”

This was going to drive me mad. He kept talking about good and bad behavior. I really don’t like people analyzing my behavior. I made it my goal there to make sure that no one would have me figured out by the time I left that place. I really don’t like it when people patronize me and think they are operating on some sort of higher level or something.

“Over here is the playroom, and over here is the girl’s bathroom.”

We then walked out of the hallway area that he called Zone One into a larger area.

“This is Zone Two. Everything behind this glass is the office. Patients aren’t allowed in the office either. There are two more bedrooms right here and over there is the area where you can do puzzles, play cards or board games or watch a movie”

“Where does this go?” I asked pointing to a door.

“That goes outside. If you are on good behavior we can take you outside.”

“Outside? Sounds like quite the time.” I was only joking.

“Up here in these cabinets are all the board games. You’ll need a staff nurse to unlock them. We also have a couple computers here, but you’ll need nintendo bucks if you want to use them. I’ll explain nintendo bucks in a bit. Over here we have puzzles and all sorts of books you can read. And over here is the T.V. for movies. You’ll have to ask a staff nurse if you want to use it.”

“Okay. Do you guys have chess, by any chance?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure we have a chess board. Steve would really like to play with you. He’s quite the chess player.”

I felt like really talking myself up a bit here, just for kicks, but I didn’t. I mean, I’m a pretty good chess player; I’m nothing extraordinary or anything, but I can play a good game when I really want to. In fact, I was kind of in a chess mood right then.

“Over back here past these two rooms and the boy’s bathroom is Zone Three. Zone Three is for any kind of ball playing.”

Ball playing? That cracked me up when he said that. He was really trying to be some kind of authority now, I thought.

“Right here is the isolation room. This is for punishment.”

He used his key to unlock this big square door with a small square window. He opened the door to reveal a plain square room with a tiled floor and a circular mirror in the corner attached to the ceiling.  I then remembered when my teacher told me it wasn’t going to be anything like those places with the padded rooms. Well here I was, staring right at one. Well, it wasn’t padded like in the movies, but still. I guess if you’re locked in here and want to bash your damn head against the wall, you can go ahead and do just that. Anyway I wasn’t too worried about it. Were they going to lock me up for lying around all day?

 “These two doors over there are for laundry and offices. Patients aren’t allowed in that area.”

Good Lord. I was getting tired of this by now. All this guy talked about was who’s allowed in where and what you have to do to wind up in some place and good Lord I was tired of it!

“Are you a homosexual, sir?” I asked. I couldn’t help it. I really wanted to know.

“Married.” He held up his right hand with a ring on it.

“To a girl…..right?” I asked, very inquisitively.

 “Yes, to my wife.”

Well, that settled that, I thought. I really thought this guy was some sort of flit, I really did. But apparently he was married. But boy did he have me fooled, seriously.

“Well, that pretty much takes care of the tour of the place. All I have left to explain is the shower schedule and nintendo bucks.”

“Certainly, John.”

Apparently he really wanted to change the subject of his sexual orientation to something more appropriate. I really didn’t blame him, after all. I mean, if I danced around acting all flitty and somebody asked me if I was a homosexual or not, I’d change the subject too. I started to wonder if his wife knew he was a secret homosexual or not. I bet she had her suspicions.

“Alright, Jerry, we have a system here at the Unit that involves something called nintendo bucks or computer bucks. If you behave properly throughout the day you can earn nintendo bucks. Nintendo bucks can be used to purchase candy, soft drinks, or time to play video games. They look like this…”

He held out a couple of pieces of paper that resembled monopoly money. I thought this whole charade was rather ridiculous.

“What exactly can you buy with nintendo bucks?” I asked. I didn’t really want to know, but I thought it would carry on the conversation adequately.

“Five nintendo bucks will either get you a glass of soda, four licorice sticks, or fifteen minutes on the computers for video games.”

Well, how ‘bout that, I thought. Four licorice sticks. That was quite the purchase, I thought to myself.  By this time, I was quite tired with this little tour John was giving me. In all honesty, I really felt like going back to bed. You can always use a good nap, halfway through the day, I thought. Especially in a place like this; I didn’t know what else to do but sleep.

“Follow me, Jerry.”

I followed him to this large board with all sorts of names on it.

“This is the shower and call schedule. You have to take a shower every day either in the morning or in the night. And you get to call your family every other day. It’s all recorded on this board. Just so you can catch up on things.”

That was a joke. What the Hell were we supposed to catch up on at this goddamn place? It’s not like there was a whole lot going here. I mean, trading some nintendo bucks for some licorice wasn’t all that exciting. You might as well tell your parents that you walked around and shot the shit with a couple of other crazies and went to sleep. This was quite the place. I could tell already that it was something else.

“How long are the conversations?” I was trying to keep this dying conversation alive a little longer.

“With your parents? Um….maybe fifteen minutes at the most.”

“Oh!” I said. I wasn’t really surprised.

“We’ll let you know when it is time for you to have a phone call.”

“Great.” I was being sarcastic. I didn’t care if they let me know if I had a call or not. I mean, like my parents and my grandma really cared about me. How dare they leave me in a place like this. I remember hugging my dad before he left; didn’t he know where he was leaving me? Did he know that I would have to behave properly just to be fed a little bit of licorice? I was like an ape in a cage or something, pushing the green button for a little drop of raspberry syrup. I bet if he would have been informed as to the nature of the place he was dropping me off at, he wouldn’t have left me here. I’m sure he wouldn’t’ve.

“Alright, Jerry, well that about wraps it up for the tour. For the rest of the afternoon, you can go back to your room or play games”

“Okay, John. I think I’ll go back to my room, thank you.”