Chapter VI- The Protocol
They led me through a dark, pastel hallway. As I entered I got the feeling that everything was covered in bubble paper; the place looked like a nursery. I stepped further in and I didn’t see anyone, it was fairly late. They led me further into this little room that looked like any old ordinary doctor’s office. Apparently they have a “protocol” with all the new kids they bring in. There was this nurse in there. She obviously had quite the chip on her shoulder. I mean, I guess I would too. If I was a nurse and suddenly they dragged in this red-headed kid at night and forced me to go through the “protocol”. I would be a little pissed too. However, I wouldn’t show it. I’d act all cool about it. But not her, she definitely showed it.
“Have a seat up here,” she said. Her tone of voice was uncanny.
“Yes ma’am,” I said. Sometimes I just get tired of being a smart aleck and I shape up a bit. After the day I had, I was definitely just ready to cooperate and get some sleep.
“Alright, now do you have any bruises or injuries that I need to know about?”
“Uh, yeah.”
I turned over my arm so she could see my burn.
“Oh my,” she said. She had a little chart with a drawing of a person on it. She made one little dot on the person’s arm. Look what I’ve been reduced down to, I thought; just a goddamn doodle on a piece of paper.
“Put your arm out here for me so I can take your blood pressure.”
I did what she said. I was so tired at this point that I couldn’t even take it. Pretty soon my mind started to wander off. I thought about my dad and my grandma. Apparently they didn’t even give a half a shit about me. If they really cared about me they wouldn’t let me wind up in some rotten Hell hole such as this place. I mean, that just did it for me right there. I’ll be brutally honest with you here; in my entire life, I don’t think I’ve ever felt really loved or wanted. And that’s all I’ve ever wanted in my life, just to be cared for. It’s really lame, I know, but it’s just the way it is I guess. Some people just lack the personality or the good looks and no one really gives a shit about them. I always hoped that I’d meet some girl someday and she would look me in the eyes and tell me that she loved me. I really don’t even care about whether or not she would kiss me, but just that she liked me and wanted to be with me. I know this all sounds pretty cheesy and lame, but it’s just the way it is.
“Now open your mouth, please.”
The nurse forcefully stuck one of those popsicle stick things in my mouth and took a good look around.
“Gosh, lady, are you trying to make me gag?” I said after she yanked it out. I couldn’t help saying that, I just blurted it out. She ignored me though. I bet she puts up with all sorts of rotten kids every single day of her life. She had quite the personality, however. She always had this very serious look on her face; like what she was doing was going to save the world someday.
“Now get undressed and put this on.”
On with the protocol, I thought. She handed me a hospital gown.
“How long is all this going to take?”
“Not long.”
I started to think that this whole thing was going a little too far. I mean, I just wanted to wear my own clothes.
“Can’t I just wear what I have on?”
“Look. You’ll get your clothes back. I just need to get your weight and height. Oh yeah, do you have anything in your pockets?”
“Yeah, just some money,” I said. I only had about four dollars.
“Well that will be confiscated until you leave here. Money isn’t allowed on the Unit.”
That didn’t bother me too much. It’s not like there was a whole line of goddamn pop machines in this place or something. I just kept on cooperating from here on out. I took off my clothes and put on this blue and white striped hospital gown.
“Okay, now could I have you step up here for me?” She sounded a little kinder when she said that. I did what she said. After weighing me she wrote down 151 lbs. on her chart.
My mind started to wander again. I mean, I just couldn’t stay focused on these mundane tasks. I started to think about my friends this time. Gosh, I had no idea what they would think about this whole business. I mean, they think I’m crazy regardless of anything like this happening. One of my friends, Casey, would especially get a kick out of this. Casey is very critical and judgmental. If you don’t measure up to his standards, you might as well just hit the road and jump off of a few cliffs I guess. I started to wonder if I’d still qualify to be his friend or not. Well, it’s not like there is anything really wrong with me or anything. This was more of a fluke than anything else. But I could already imagine me coming home and telling them about this. They’d think I am nuttier than they already do. And Hell, that would just be too much for them. Sometimes I even wonder if maybe they just hang out with me as some sort of practical joke.
“Now could you stand against this wall for me?”
I put my back straight against this wall so she could get my height. I didn’t even see what she wrote down. Probably close to six feet.
“Alright! You can put your clothes back on and Laramie will take you to your room!”
This nurse intrigued me. By the time we were done she actually started to seem like she was in a better mood. I didn’t even care though. She could be smiling and doing flip flops for all I cared. My eyes felt like they were about to fall out of my head.
“Okay Jer, we’ve got an open room all ready for ya’,” said Laramie.
Who the Hell was he calling “Jer”? Seriously, you can’t nickname someone only right after you’ve met them. I’d say you would have to know someone for at least a whole year before you start calling them “Jer”. These people were just a little too friendly. The only problem was, it was fake-friendliness. I’m sure it’s in their goddamn resume that they can “work well with others” or something lame like that. I’m not a huge fan of resumes either, don’t get me started. Like I’m going to reduce my entire life down to a piece of paper. And you better believe, never a fucking doodle on a paper. Gosh. There is just so much more to it than that.
I followed the guy regardless of his piss poor attitude and name calling habits. I thought I’d be a little bit of a smart ass and slam his face in his own bowl of cheese for a change.
“Laramie, excuse me if I’m being forward…but.”
“Yeah?” he said.
“But it would really make me feel better if I could call you ‘Lerm’.
“Uh…..Lerm?”
“Yeah, well you see.” I paused just to sound all emotional. I was really going to shoot the shit now. You reduce my name, I’ll reduce your’s, bitch.
“When I was little I had this cat named Lerm. He was a good ol’”
“Yeah that’s fine, but it’s time for bed. Here’s your room.”
This guy interrupted me. I couldn’t believe it. Some nerve.
“Lerm was a good ol’ cat. He was all gray with one white spot on his neck. I remember way back….”
“I’ll hear all about your cat in the morning, Jerry. You have to take off your shoes and leave them out here”
I did what he said. I took off my shoes and left them outside the door. I had no idea why you couldn’t take your shoes in your room. It seemed a little fishy. As if knowing I owned shoes somehow validated my humanity, something they were seemingly trying to detach me from. He opened the door to my room. Some room it was. I don’t know what he was talking about when he said they had a room “ready” for me. There was nothing ready here. It was completely empty with one cabinet, a window, and a bed. The cabinet was locked, which I thought was strange. I mean, where else are you supposed to hide all of your dangerous objects in a sterile facility to make sure improper molecules don’t start a minglin’? Laramie started to shut the door behind me after I was all the way in the room.
“Goodnight,” he said just as he shut the door all the way.
I just flopped onto the bed. The room was really dark, but I kept noticing this red blinking light on the ceiling. I just imagined it was a smoke detector, but I couldn’t see it clearly. All I saw was just this blinking red dot. It kind of put me in a trance. Usually at this time of night my mind will start to wander off a little before I fall asleep. I would start to wonder about what would happen if I could teleport to Tibet, or travel through time, and see what Maitreya or Milarepa might say. Or rainbows or sour candy. Or lemonade, or just something. I don’t know. Not that night, though. I was just staring at that red light and pretty soon my eyes were closed and I was fast asleep.
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